“Being Gay and Jewish is only a conflict if you let people tell you it is”

Outnorthwest December 2008

Suzy, 28, from Manchester was born an orthodox Jew, but now belongs to the Liberal movement. She talks to Jeni Quirke this month about being both Jewish and bisexual, and how that impacts on her life.

What does being Jewish mean to you?

Judaism to me is about feeling part of a bigger picture, and belonging to a community whose story of survival spans the millennia. It is a connection to my ancestors and to every Jew on earth. It contributes to the things I think about, the places I go, the food I eat, the beliefs I have and the choices I make. It is my culture, my religion, my upbringing and my very being. I did not choose Judaism, Judaism chose me.

Can you tell us how your Jewish beliefs impact on your life?

I think my beliefs impact on my life in the way any religion does. Sometimes I feel it adds to my life, sometimes I feel it takes away, making everything complicated and fraught. There are times I have wished my religion were not mine and there are times it has been my leading light. My non-Jewish partner has probably been my biggest issue as there is such a drive to ensure people do not “marry-out”. It is a constant battle in a mixed-faith relationship to fight for what I believe in, but appreciate and respect their beliefs. It is more of a battle to explain to other Jews that in truth, the joy and love that comes from my current relationship far outweighs anything the religious texts might have to say on the matter.

Has there been much of a conflict between your sexuality and religion in your life so far?

It’s only a conflict if you let people tell you it is. I don’t, and I never have. Ever since I was a small child, my parents taught me that being gay was perfectly normal, they unwittingly did me the biggest favour and it has protected me ever since. The orthodox Rabbis seem to tow the line of “if you know someone who is gay, treat them with sympathy, for although they sin, it is a sin they cannot help”. I cannot express my disgust at this so you can all express it for me. Imagine being religious and Jewish, feeling that G-d (spelling of the name of God in Judaism) made you a walking sin that people should pity. Learned Rabbis have encouraged the interpretation and study of our religious texts since they were first created, so I don’t see how anyone can go around saying he knows what is and isn’t a sin in g-d’s eyes. I know that I am one of G-d’s children and there is nothing wrong with how I am and who I find attractive, so I don’t listen to a word of it.

How does the Jewish community in general view homosexuality?

I often joke that it would be preferable to everyone if I had a Jewish girlfriend rather than a non-Jewish boyfriend. By this I mean the major concern appears to be raising Jewish children, rather than one’s sexual preference. I imagine this is because “marrying out” is obviously a problem, whereas homosexuality is very much hidden. Oh, and when I say hidden, I don’t mean behind a lace curtain, I mean under two duvets, three blankets and buried in a mountain of soil, ideally in outer Mongolia.

Do you think that many gay and lesbian Jewish people will stay closeted because of their religion?

Yes, I do, because if you are gay you are considered wrong, which is appalling in itself. To make it worse, you cannot get married and have a family. A Jewish home for Jewish children for a Jewish future is seemingly everything.

How important is Holocaust Memorial Day (HMD) to you?

My grandfather lost his whole family and everything he had ever known. He escaped a concentration camp by the skin of his teeth. He suffered beyond suffering and we should remember why, and we should teach it to our children. It happened and nobody stopped it. It is happening all over the world right now and nobody is stopping it. Our children need to learn the painful truth from history and see the reality of our present and future.

Gay organisations can sometimes be criticised by Jewish organisations for hijacking HMD. What are your views?

The Holocaust focused on Jews and, percentage wise, it did by far the most damage to the Jewish population. However, to say that the Holocaust is a Jewish story is nonsense. Hitler wanted a “perfect” race. Gay, gypsy, disabled, looking in the wrong direction, no-one was 100% safe. Holocaust Memorial Day to me is a way of remembering how easy it is to turn the majority against the minority and how easy it is for everyone else to turn a blind eye until they are directly involved. That is a story LGBT organisations should tell.